The Very First Christmas

    "Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho!"* chuckled Oapsuf in a jolly manner.
    "Hey guys!" said Yoxep from his side.  "I exist!"  Then she disappeared because she is not pertinent to this story.
    "Alright," said Killer Kangaroo.  "Megano and I came to visit for Christmas, but I'm just fine with helping you defeat a squirrel army."
    "Me too!" said Megano.
    "I'm in!" yelled Oapsuf as he descended to the ground.
    "Just like old times, huh, RoboRabbit?" asked Killer Kangaroo.
    What are you talking about?  You weren't here for those old times.
    "Yeah," said Killer Kangaroo, "but I read Parts I and II, so I know about the old times."
    Come on man, you're ruining the story.  You can't acknowledge its existence like that!
    "You do it all the time," complained Killer Kangaroo the Complainer.  "Oh, real funny, calling names," he whined whiningly.
    Dude, just shut up and fight.
    "Oh sure, like you're not controlling everything I say and do by writing it down," said Killer Kangaroo (aka Lieutenant Sarcasm) sarcastically.
    Good point.
    Killer Kangaroo shut up and fought.  He and Oapsuf guarded the rear as Megano and RoboRabbit fought straight through the armies.  Having fought together on countless occasions during the thousands of years they had spent together, Megano and RoboRabbit had developed several maneuvers which they employed in reaping the squirrels grimly, including the cliché move where one of them spins around, swinging the other in a circle, which, by the way, they invented, but that's a whole other story, which has no place here.  Another trick involved Megano flying up carrying RoboRabbit, who then used all of his jumping power to launch himself to the ground, creating a large crater like that of a significantly large meteorite, which is, again, a whole other story.
    These and other techniques allowed them to get to Teddy quickly and quietly, without any rap music or flash dancing.  At this point Megano and RoboRabbit faced Teddy while Oapsuf and Killer kangaroo protected their  confrontation from the squirrel army.
    "Merry Christmas," said Megano gaily as she forked over a present for Teddy.  Teddy took the fork and scratched his back with it.
    "Thanks," he said.  "That itch has bothered me for many a nanosecond."
    "Glad I could help," said Megano.
    Teddy tossed the present itself to the conveniently placed dumpster that was nearby, which for some reason or other exploded within five seconds, but Teddy payed no mind, for he was flat broke.  Neither payed RoboRabbit any mind, as he was curved broke, but Killer Kangaroo payed lots of mind, despite his being tilted broke.  He said nothing on the matter, though, since he was not a physicist and knew little about the matter.
    "Your present," said Teddy, "will be arriving in 5... 2... 1-"
    And then a large satellite landed directly on Megano, creatoring (creating a crater) fifty times the size of the ones RoboRabbit had made.  She tried to lift it, but it proved too heavy, and its logic was perfect, so Killer Kangaroo went over and lifted it for her with his big guns.  Also his muscles.
    "I knew that you two had to leave for the next large portion of the story, so I thought I'd give you the opportunity," Teddy said.
    Seriously?  Has no one any respect for a good story?
    "I have plenty of respect for a good story," replied Teddy to no one because he was psychotic.
    "Are you really gonna do the name calling again?  Seriously, you've already done that bit.  This is why it's not a good story."
    Oh, so you think you could do better?
    "I could do better even if I was heavily sedated."
    Totally stole my line that I use in reference to pop music there, but okay.  How about you write the next chapter?  We'll see just how good you really are.
    "Alright," said Teddy.  "Let's do it!"
    "By the way you missed my birthday on Quexxiji," said Megano.
    "We'll remember it next year," promised RoboRabbit.
    "Enough," interjected Teddy.  "Time for my story."

*I hope you appreciate how much work I put into this.

This Christmas feels Like...

Part III:  The Quest for Waffles

    So this is the really peppy part of the story where I begin part III with something upbeat and exciting, or is it?  RoboRabbit wallowed in misery and self-pity for several days before finally deciding that he no longer wanted to go on living, so he committed suicide and the universe was left as it was:  weird.  Weird like Al Yankovich.  Weird like O's.  Weird like people, who become weird in order to be normal.  Weird like normal.  Lamron ekil driew.  Lamron eb ot redro ni driew.  Driew:  saw ti sa tfel saw esrevinu eht dnaa edicius dettimoc eh* taht gnidiced yllanif erofeb syad lareves TibbarObor?  Ti si ro,.

    Like bacon.

    This year was the first year that everyone had time to prepare for Christmas, so naturally it was to be better than all previous Christmi.  RoboRabbit returned to Iohsw to find that it was now run by Teddy and his army of squirrels.  The only logical course of action at a time like this, of course, was to walk directly to ?Teddy's headquarters, wipe one's feet on the unwelcome mat, drop one's pants [drawer]** here, knock thrice, saying Teddy's name after each, and await a response.  None came.  RoboRabbit waited twenty year-minutes (minutes that feel like years), or yutes, and still there was no sound from beyond the door.  So RoboRabbit politely rang the doorbell a few times, waited another twenty yutes, and finally decided to be absolutely obnoxious.  So he knocked on the door in a super-rapid fashion with one hand and rang the doorbell in an extremely fast fashion with the other, although these fashion were both very unfashionable, or "out".  But RoboRabbit knew that nothing was truly unfashionable, for with the correct materials one can fashion anything, and so he continued annoying, and within a minute Teddy's army opened the door and said, in an irritated fashion, which was perfectly fashionable, "Go away!"

    Then Armaninx arrived wearing absolutely nothing, which, considering that he was not human, was imperfectly fashionable, and he said, "What's going on over here?"

    "The big kids are being mean to me," whined RoboRabbit.

    "Is this true?" asked Armaninx, turning to Teddy's army and Teddy.

    "Well," replied Teddy, "seeing as 'kid' is a term used in reference to baby goats, which we are not, I'd say it is technically not true."

    "Oh, okay, well carry on then!" said Armaninx as he turned to attend to other important matters.  And the army charged towards RoboRabbit, who charged towards the army and was immediately joined by Megano and Killer Kangaroo on the right and left, respectively.

    "Pivr?" asked RoboRabbit looking to the right, then, "Killer Kangaroo?" as he looked in the other direction.  "I thought you two were on Quexxiji."

    "We were," replied Killer Kangaroo.

    "We're just visiting," said Megano.

    "Visiting me?" asked RoboRabbit as he began to tear up.  "I can't believe this.  No one's ever visited me before."  Then he started sobbing so uncontrollably that Teddy came over and handed him a tissue.

    "Thanks," said RoboRabbit thankfully.

    "Your welcome," said Teddy welcomingly.  "It's the least I can do on Christmas."

    "Today's Christmas?" exclamated RoboRabbit.

    "Indeed!" said Oapsuf as he flew down on his sleigh with his red and white outfit and reindeer.  "Merry Christmas!"

*No, I'm not Canadian

**Children's story

RoboRabbit Eats Waffles

    RoboRabbit ate waffles.
    Killer Kangaroo had decided to buy a whole bunch of waffle mi and had made far too many to consume himself, which is good because nobody wanted him to consume himself.  That would give him terrible indigestion.  The whole time RoboRabbit was eating, he considered Megano.  She had been created for the express purpose of being his companion, but she had become more than that.  Her purpose no longer required twenty items or less, but could handle an indefinite amount of items.  As RoboRabbit was eating an obscene* amount of waffles, Killer Kangaroo noticed a change in him that had been so gradual that, while it was halfway complete, no one had noticed it until now.
    "RoboRabbit," said Killer Kangaroo, "have you noticed a change in yourself over the past couple months?"
    "Nothing significant," replied RoboRabbit.
    "Well, RoboRabbit, you're-"
    At that precise moment, Megano burst into the room with a large plate of waffles, so large that she had to carry it above her head.  Her pancakes had the smell of awesomeness about them, and also chocolate chips.  RoboRabbit knew what was coming, so he gathered himself.  Then he put himself in a box.  Then he put that box inside of another box.  Then he mailed that box to himself, and when it arrived - ahahaha - he smashed it with a hammer!  It was brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
    "I don't like waffles," said Megano, "but someone gave these to me, so I thought that you could eat them."
    "Don't like waffles!" exclaimed RoboRabbit.  "The only one's who don't like waffles have never tasted one!  No matter, I'll gladly eat that large plate of waffles, and also the waffles on it."
    RoboRabbit ate waffles.
    He felt his energy slowly depleting as he quickly devoured the dwindling-at-an-average-speed plate of waffles, as well as the consistently fading pile of waffles atop the plate.  While he was busying himself with the plate of waffles and waffles, the little red owl entered the scene wearing plate mail.  Slightly embarrassed at the sight of RoboRabbit wearing a towel, she asked , "Why do you have a hairbrush?  You don't have any hair!"
    RoboRabbit ate waffles.
    "No hair for my hairbrush?" he said.  "No hair for my hairbrush.  No hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no haaaaaaaaaiiir for my hairbrush!"
    The little red owl's plate mail was addressed  to RoboRabbit, who opened it to find that the plates were all piled with waffles.  These waffles carried the smell of carrots, which I'm sure was very heavy, a hypothesis vindicated by the actions of the waffles as they relieved their burden by throwing the smell of carrots toward RoboRabbit, who ingested it via his nose.  He was going to have difficulty eating all of the waffles, but he was confident in his abilities, so he decided to continue in his endeavor.
    RoboRabbit ate waffles.
    "RoboRabbit," inquired the little red owl, "have you changed?"
    "Yeah, it looks as if he has, now that you mention it," concurred Megano.
    "Indeed," said Killer Kangaroo.  "I noticed the same phenomenon."
    "RoboRabbit, it looks as though-"
    It was this moment which Dolf found to be opportune for coming into the room they were all in, bearing, a course, a plate of many blueberry waffles.  He was wearing plate femail, which he placed next to the plate mail that the little red owl had been wearing.  The plate mail and plate femail proceeded to call the stork, and a baby was soon delivered**.  RoboRabbit knew there was no way he could eat all of those waffles in his current state, but he knew what to do.  He hadn't lost his sky bison, had it returned to him, discovered a note that had been taken from the bison's horn, followed the note's instructions to find an old bald monk, drunk gallons of onions and banana juice, and unlocked all of his chakras to fail now.  He knew what to do.
    "Avatar state!  Yip yip!" he exclaimed, and his tattoos and his eyes began to glow as he was infused with the knowledge and power of all of his pasts.  This would allow him to accomplish his task.
    RoboRabbit ate waffles.
    "Hey," commented Dolf.  "Is it just me, or is there some sort of change in RoboRabbit?"
    "Yes," answered Megano.
    "Latter," said the little red owl.
    "Shoot!" exclaimed Killer Kangaroo.  "I was just about to tell him, Dolf, when you walked in, you noob."
    "You're a noob," said Megano.
    "No, you're the noob here," he countered.
    "I can see how you might get confused," replied Megano, "since we look so similar."
    "Alright," interceded Dolf.  "Let's just tell him.  RoboRabbit, you're semblance-"
    Immediately a random aardwolf came into their place carrying several plates of banana nut pancakes.  He examined everyone and the ridiculous waffles heap and made an inference, then had an epiphany.
    "Wrong room," he said as he hurriedly fled towards the room next door, from which RoboRabbit had been hearing many pancake noises.  He could really use to cordon grien right now to take a break from all the various waffles, but as long as he was in the avatar state he knew he could finish them all.  Then RoboRabbit noticed as he was greedily munching that the child of the plate mail and plate femail was a certificate of appreciate, probably from Costa Lxodi as RoboRabbit had been incorrectly written as roborabbit, which is almost as bad as accidentally writing "Sheen" rather than "Scheen," a mistake which implies a nonexistent and unwanted relation to a certain Sheen whose name isn't really worthy of mention in this story.  The certificate appreciated many of RoboRabbit's actions which he had merely done for fun, and so he believed himself undeserving of it.
    RoboRabbit ate waffles.
    "RoboRabbit," said Megano.
    "Yes, Pivr?" responded RoboRabbit.
    "There's something we've been trying to tell you this whole time," she replied.
    "And what is that?" asked RoboRabbit.
    "Well," said Megano.  "Remember how (not to be racist) you used to be black and then became white?"
    "Of course I remember," said RoboRabbit.  "It was a symbolic representation of my inner metamorphosis."
    "Yes," said Megano, "well..."
    "Pivr?"
    "RoboRabbit, you're grey."
    And RoboRabbit left Quexxiji, taking all of his remaining waffles with him.
    RoboRabbit was out of waffles.

*Obscene amounts cannot be listed in children's books.
**Need I say it?