RoboRabbit ate waffles.
Killer Kangaroo had decided to buy a whole bunch of waffle mi and had made far too many to consume himself, which is good because nobody wanted him to consume himself. That would give him terrible indigestion. The whole time RoboRabbit was eating, he considered Megano. She had been created for the express purpose of being his companion, but she had become more than that. Her purpose no longer required twenty items or less, but could handle an indefinite amount of items. As RoboRabbit was eating an obscene* amount of waffles, Killer Kangaroo noticed a change in him that had been so gradual that, while it was halfway complete, no one had noticed it until now.
"RoboRabbit," said Killer Kangaroo, "have you noticed a change in yourself over the past couple months?"
"Nothing significant," replied RoboRabbit.
"Well, RoboRabbit, you're-"
At that precise moment, Megano burst into the room with a large plate of waffles, so large that she had to carry it above her head. Her pancakes had the smell of awesomeness about them, and also chocolate chips. RoboRabbit knew what was coming, so he gathered himself. Then he put himself in a box. Then he put that box inside of another box. Then he mailed that box to himself, and when it arrived - ahahaha - he smashed it with a hammer! It was brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
"I don't like waffles," said Megano, "but someone gave these to me, so I thought that you could eat them."
"Don't like waffles!" exclaimed RoboRabbit. "The only one's who don't like waffles have never tasted one! No matter, I'll gladly eat that large plate of waffles, and also the waffles on it."
RoboRabbit ate waffles.
He felt his energy slowly depleting as he quickly devoured the dwindling-at-an-average-speed plate of waffles, as well as the consistently fading pile of waffles atop the plate. While he was busying himself with the plate of waffles and waffles, the little red owl entered the scene wearing plate mail. Slightly embarrassed at the sight of RoboRabbit wearing a towel, she asked , "Why do you have a hairbrush? You don't have any hair!"
RoboRabbit ate waffles.
"No hair for my hairbrush?" he said. "No hair for my hairbrush. No hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no hair, no haaaaaaaaaiiir for my hairbrush!"
The little red owl's plate mail was addressed to RoboRabbit, who opened it to find that the plates were all piled with waffles. These waffles carried the smell of carrots, which I'm sure was very heavy, a hypothesis vindicated by the actions of the waffles as they relieved their burden by throwing the smell of carrots toward RoboRabbit, who ingested it via his nose. He was going to have difficulty eating all of the waffles, but he was confident in his abilities, so he decided to continue in his endeavor.
RoboRabbit ate waffles.
"RoboRabbit," inquired the little red owl, "have you changed?"
"Yeah, it looks as if he has, now that you mention it," concurred Megano.
"Indeed," said Killer Kangaroo. "I noticed the same phenomenon."
"RoboRabbit, it looks as though-"
It was this moment which Dolf found to be opportune for coming into the room they were all in, bearing, a course, a plate of many blueberry waffles. He was wearing plate femail, which he placed next to the plate mail that the little red owl had been wearing. The plate mail and plate femail proceeded to call the stork, and a baby was soon delivered**. RoboRabbit knew there was no way he could eat all of those waffles in his current state, but he knew what to do. He hadn't lost his sky bison, had it returned to him, discovered a note that had been taken from the bison's horn, followed the note's instructions to find an old bald monk, drunk gallons of onions and banana juice, and unlocked all of his chakras to fail now. He knew what to do.
"Avatar state! Yip yip!" he exclaimed, and his tattoos and his eyes began to glow as he was infused with the knowledge and power of all of his pasts. This would allow him to accomplish his task.
RoboRabbit ate waffles.
"Hey," commented Dolf. "Is it just me, or is there some sort of change in RoboRabbit?"
"Yes," answered Megano.
"Latter," said the little red owl.
"Shoot!" exclaimed Killer Kangaroo. "I was just about to tell him, Dolf, when you walked in, you noob."
"You're a noob," said Megano.
"No, you're the noob here," he countered.
"I can see how you might get confused," replied Megano, "since we look so similar."
"Alright," interceded Dolf. "Let's just tell him. RoboRabbit, you're semblance-"
Immediately a random aardwolf came into their place carrying several plates of banana nut pancakes. He examined everyone and the ridiculous waffles heap and made an inference, then had an epiphany.
"Wrong room," he said as he hurriedly fled towards the room next door, from which RoboRabbit had been hearing many pancake noises. He could really use to cordon grien right now to take a break from all the various waffles, but as long as he was in the avatar state he knew he could finish them all. Then RoboRabbit noticed as he was greedily munching that the child of the plate mail and plate femail was a certificate of appreciate, probably from Costa Lxodi as RoboRabbit had been incorrectly written as roborabbit, which is almost as bad as accidentally writing "Sheen" rather than "Scheen," a mistake which implies a nonexistent and unwanted relation to a certain Sheen whose name isn't really worthy of mention in this story. The certificate appreciated many of RoboRabbit's actions which he had merely done for fun, and so he believed himself undeserving of it.
RoboRabbit ate waffles.
"RoboRabbit," said Megano.
"Yes, Pivr?" responded RoboRabbit.
"There's something we've been trying to tell you this whole time," she replied.
"And what is that?" asked RoboRabbit.
"Well," said Megano. "Remember how (not to be racist) you used to be black and then became white?"
"Of course I remember," said RoboRabbit. "It was a symbolic representation of my inner metamorphosis."
"Yes," said Megano, "well..."
"Pivr?"
"RoboRabbit, you're grey."
And RoboRabbit left Quexxiji, taking all of his remaining waffles with him.
RoboRabbit was out of waffles.
*Obscene amounts cannot be listed in children's books.
**Need I say it?
Friday, May 24, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Anecdotal Evidence
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. One of the more popular games on Quexxiji was a game called pool, which involved hitting a white ball with the tip of a stick in order to knock the other balls- what? You're telling me you know what pool is? Well aren't you the knowledgeable one? Anyway, RoboRabbit decided to hone his skills and become one of the best pool players on the planet, which took much practice, perseverance, and dedication, but he achieved it. He was soon among the top seven pool players on Quexxiji, and there was a tournament soon. Unfortunately, RoboRabbit found that after a long time playing pool his skin was full of wrinkles and his eyes burned from too much chlorine. After a little asking around, he was directed to a book entitled "Chronic Pool Syndrome: You've Probably Got it," which described an interesting condition from which he appeared to be suffering. This book supported its claims with lots of anecdotal evidence, which was good enough for RoboRabbit. So he decided to only play a little bit of pool every day until the tournament. His symptoms slowly faded until he was feeling completely fine when the day of the tournament arrived. He was not coarse at all.
While RoboRabbit knew that he was one of the top players, about twenty signed up for the tournament, so he had to spend half of his time playing with less skilled players. His first game against a similarly skilled player was with Killer Kangaroo. It was a rather close game, but RoboRabbit managed to make an extremely difficult double shot which he had not expected to make. After that, he had the advantage and was able to finish the game before Killer Kangaroo had a chance to. In the next game against a competent player RoboRabbit broke and made in five in a row due to the balls being arranged in such a manner as to allow him to easily do so, thus sealing his victory.
RoboRabbit's next game was a semifinal, and it was against Dolf. RoboRabbit knew Dolf to be an extremely skilled player and so he tried his best to win, which seemed to work at first as he knocked in three in a row, then his fourth shot failed to go in. Dolf showed intense focus as he began his own turn. As he took his first shot, RoboRabbit noticed that he lifted his pool stick up after every shot in a way that suggested rooting for the cue ball. Dolf's shot missed, but it put his target in a very good position. RoboRabbit had no very viable shot, so he took one to prevent Dolf from having a shot. Then Dolf attempted a trick shot and managed to be completely successful and position himself well. He took another shot and made in another ball. Then he made another, and another, but finally he accidentally hit the cue ball off the table, allowing RoboRabbit to hit in two more balls. Dolf hit in a ball on his turn and somehow managed to hit the cue ball off the table once again. This allowed RoboRabbit to finish with the rest of his balls and position the eight ball. Dolf made in three more on his turn, but he missed on the fourth shot, thus allowing RoboRabbit a place in the finals.
RoboRabbit knew who he would be up against in the finals, one who had garnered a reputation as the best pool player on Quexxiji. He was known to often win on his first or second turn. Thus RoboRabbit had no expectation of winning, as he could not hope to compete. He was glad to have somehow secured second place. Still, he tried his best in his final game.
His opponent took the first turn and made in four balls. RoboRabbit knocked two in and put the cue ball in a difficult position. Thus his opponent's next turn was wasted on repositioning, though he came somewhat close to hitting one in. RoboRabbit hit one in but missed the second shot, allowing his opponent to make two more shots. RoboRabbit found himself in a very difficult position and decided to put his opponent into a more difficult one. He hit the eight ball with just the right amount of force so that it was on the edge of a corner pocket, with the cue ball right next to it. His opponent was forced to use his next turn getting the cue ball away from the eight ball, which allowed RoboRabbit to hit one in and, from there, put his opponent's last ball right next to the eight ball. This caused his opponent to hit the eight ball in by accident, and thus RoboRabbit won the pool tournament with superior strategy, earning the title of best swimmer on Quexxiji and giving him a terrible case of Chrinic Pool Syndrome.
While RoboRabbit knew that he was one of the top players, about twenty signed up for the tournament, so he had to spend half of his time playing with less skilled players. His first game against a similarly skilled player was with Killer Kangaroo. It was a rather close game, but RoboRabbit managed to make an extremely difficult double shot which he had not expected to make. After that, he had the advantage and was able to finish the game before Killer Kangaroo had a chance to. In the next game against a competent player RoboRabbit broke and made in five in a row due to the balls being arranged in such a manner as to allow him to easily do so, thus sealing his victory.
RoboRabbit's next game was a semifinal, and it was against Dolf. RoboRabbit knew Dolf to be an extremely skilled player and so he tried his best to win, which seemed to work at first as he knocked in three in a row, then his fourth shot failed to go in. Dolf showed intense focus as he began his own turn. As he took his first shot, RoboRabbit noticed that he lifted his pool stick up after every shot in a way that suggested rooting for the cue ball. Dolf's shot missed, but it put his target in a very good position. RoboRabbit had no very viable shot, so he took one to prevent Dolf from having a shot. Then Dolf attempted a trick shot and managed to be completely successful and position himself well. He took another shot and made in another ball. Then he made another, and another, but finally he accidentally hit the cue ball off the table, allowing RoboRabbit to hit in two more balls. Dolf hit in a ball on his turn and somehow managed to hit the cue ball off the table once again. This allowed RoboRabbit to finish with the rest of his balls and position the eight ball. Dolf made in three more on his turn, but he missed on the fourth shot, thus allowing RoboRabbit a place in the finals.
RoboRabbit knew who he would be up against in the finals, one who had garnered a reputation as the best pool player on Quexxiji. He was known to often win on his first or second turn. Thus RoboRabbit had no expectation of winning, as he could not hope to compete. He was glad to have somehow secured second place. Still, he tried his best in his final game.
His opponent took the first turn and made in four balls. RoboRabbit knocked two in and put the cue ball in a difficult position. Thus his opponent's next turn was wasted on repositioning, though he came somewhat close to hitting one in. RoboRabbit hit one in but missed the second shot, allowing his opponent to make two more shots. RoboRabbit found himself in a very difficult position and decided to put his opponent into a more difficult one. He hit the eight ball with just the right amount of force so that it was on the edge of a corner pocket, with the cue ball right next to it. His opponent was forced to use his next turn getting the cue ball away from the eight ball, which allowed RoboRabbit to hit one in and, from there, put his opponent's last ball right next to the eight ball. This caused his opponent to hit the eight ball in by accident, and thus RoboRabbit won the pool tournament with superior strategy, earning the title of best swimmer on Quexxiji and giving him a terrible case of Chrinic Pool Syndrome.
Friday, May 10, 2013
War on Quexxiji
As it turns out there had been a war going on in Quexxiji for several years now. The two sides had soon grown tired of fighting all the time so they decided to each send a small group to battle for an hour or two every day. It wasn't a very formal war, in fact it only wore jeans and a t-shirt, so nothing was really set. Everyone was constantly switching sides and on some days, especially weekends, nobody even showed up to fight because they had better things to do. As soon as RoboRabbit and Killer Kangaroo heard of this was they elected to join in, often switching sides like everyone else. RoboRabbit strove to participate in the battle every day, but Megano, Dolf, and the little red owl never even watched one of the battles.
The fighting arts of the inhabitants of Quexxiji were very different from those RoboRabbit and Killer Kangaroo were used to, so they spent most of their early battles accustoming themselves to the native style. In addition, none of RoboRabbit's weapons were permitted on the battlefield, forcing him to become and expert in hand to hand and foot to foot combat. In one battle, RoboRabbit was charging the enemy and noticed that one of them was sneaking around behind all of his teammates. RoboRabbit immediately halted his charge and bolted back to this sneaky snake in one hop. He quickly dispatched him and noticed more enemies sneaking through, which he did his best to fight off. This became RoboRabbit's main objective in all of the battles henceforth. It seemed that no one else was defending the bases, so he made it his job. In fact, RoboRabbit soon found that he was much better at defense than offense.
But wait, you've read nothing yet. After he was defending for quite some time and there was a lull in the attacking, he saw the enemy beginning to bombard him with all kinds of cowrap. He soon found himself dodging a wrench, dodging a ball, driving a sandwich, avoiding a giant baby head, eating peanut and snowball projectiles, having to use the bathroom, exposing the phantom of the opera, flying faster than an unladen swallow, and wondering whether it was an African or European swallow, at which point his side won the battle. And that was just one of the battles.
Okay, like this one time, RoboRabbit was out in the parking lot trying to remove his excess ear wax with a golf pencil, when he saw this guy Marty trying to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs by himself. So RoboRabbit says to him, he says, "Hey, do you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw." So RoboRabbit did. And then he starts getting all indignant, he's like, "Hey, man! I was just being sarcastic!" Well that's just great. How was RoboRabbit supposed to know that? He's not a mind reader for crying out loud. Besides, now Marty's got a really cute nickname, Torso Boy, so what's he complaining about?
The fighting arts of the inhabitants of Quexxiji were very different from those RoboRabbit and Killer Kangaroo were used to, so they spent most of their early battles accustoming themselves to the native style. In addition, none of RoboRabbit's weapons were permitted on the battlefield, forcing him to become and expert in hand to hand and foot to foot combat. In one battle, RoboRabbit was charging the enemy and noticed that one of them was sneaking around behind all of his teammates. RoboRabbit immediately halted his charge and bolted back to this sneaky snake in one hop. He quickly dispatched him and noticed more enemies sneaking through, which he did his best to fight off. This became RoboRabbit's main objective in all of the battles henceforth. It seemed that no one else was defending the bases, so he made it his job. In fact, RoboRabbit soon found that he was much better at defense than offense.
But wait, you've read nothing yet. After he was defending for quite some time and there was a lull in the attacking, he saw the enemy beginning to bombard him with all kinds of cowrap. He soon found himself dodging a wrench, dodging a ball, driving a sandwich, avoiding a giant baby head, eating peanut and snowball projectiles, having to use the bathroom, exposing the phantom of the opera, flying faster than an unladen swallow, and wondering whether it was an African or European swallow, at which point his side won the battle. And that was just one of the battles.
Okay, like this one time, RoboRabbit was out in the parking lot trying to remove his excess ear wax with a golf pencil, when he saw this guy Marty trying to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs by himself. So RoboRabbit says to him, he says, "Hey, do you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw." So RoboRabbit did. And then he starts getting all indignant, he's like, "Hey, man! I was just being sarcastic!" Well that's just great. How was RoboRabbit supposed to know that? He's not a mind reader for crying out loud. Besides, now Marty's got a really cute nickname, Torso Boy, so what's he complaining about?
Friday, May 3, 2013
Battles of Initiation
The little red owl brought the three companions to an area where many inhabitants of Quexxiji passed through and sent and received messages. This are was known as the Duck. Nobody knew exactly why it was called the Duck, but they still referred to it as such. Many believed it to be an acronym, but if it was there was no consensus on what it stood for. It was in the Duck that they met a half-wolf, half-dog creature who stopped them and introduced himself.
"I am Dolf*," he said. "Get it? Half dog, half wolf, Dolf. It's a mix of the two words."
"Ahh, I see what you did there," commented Megano, who somehow found this explanation of Dolf's name immensely hilarious.
"The little red owl and I are a team," continued Dolf after a burst of laughter. "I would like to perform your initiation to Quexxiji, which should have happened when you got here. The initiation is a battle, which all who come to this planet must face against an opponent who has lived here for at least a year. Megano can go first, since she's the most awesomest one here."
"Alright," said Megano. "Let's do it!"
Then she proceeded to try and poke Dolf in both eyes with one hand, you know, like you do, but Dolf was too fast for her and quickly put his hand over his nose to stop hers. While she recovered from his parry he quickly thumped her on the forehead, but she acted as if he had never touched her and began tickling his sides, which caused him to let his guard down. His legs, however, were unaffected and he used them to trip Megano and then began laughing uncontrollably. But she quickly bounced back up and flew into the air out of Dolf's reach. She began teasing him from this vantage until he began throwing dodgeballs at her. She dodged one, then another, and as she barrel-rolled out of the third ball's path, she caught the first one on its way back down.
"You're out!" she exclaimed as she began gliding to the ground. "I win!"
"Okay," replied Dolf. "You won fair and circle. Now it's Killer Kangaroo's turn."
"Go for it," said Killer Kangaroo.
So Dolf went for it, aiming a Falcon Kick at Killer Kangaroo's chest. But Killer Kangaroo jumped above the kick and maneuvered himself to land directly on Dolf's stomach. Dolf rolled away just in time and spun to trip Killer Kangaroo as he landed. Unfortunately, he lacked the foresight to realize that this trip would land Killer Kangaroo on top of him, which is exactly what happened. He squirmed and kicked and punched but had no effect. Any attempts to lift Killer Kangaroo were futile. He heard a referee count to three and then declare Killer Kangaroo the winner.
"I declare Killer Kangaroo the winner!"
"My turn," said RoboRabbit as Dolf arose from the ground. He then jumped over Dolf to land directly behind him. He pulled out his feather duster as Dolf turned about and he proceeded to feather dust Dolf's nose. When Dolf sneezed, RoboRabbit pulled his finger, causing him to pass gas as well. Then he slapped Dolf on the back, causing him to cough, and punching him in the stomach, causing him to belch. He then flipped over Dolf and covered his mouth and nose until he passed out.
"Simplemente," interjected RoboRabbit.
*This is pronounced like the first part of "dolphin," which is a little known fish.
"I am Dolf*," he said. "Get it? Half dog, half wolf, Dolf. It's a mix of the two words."
"Ahh, I see what you did there," commented Megano, who somehow found this explanation of Dolf's name immensely hilarious.
"The little red owl and I are a team," continued Dolf after a burst of laughter. "I would like to perform your initiation to Quexxiji, which should have happened when you got here. The initiation is a battle, which all who come to this planet must face against an opponent who has lived here for at least a year. Megano can go first, since she's the most awesomest one here."
"Alright," said Megano. "Let's do it!"
Then she proceeded to try and poke Dolf in both eyes with one hand, you know, like you do, but Dolf was too fast for her and quickly put his hand over his nose to stop hers. While she recovered from his parry he quickly thumped her on the forehead, but she acted as if he had never touched her and began tickling his sides, which caused him to let his guard down. His legs, however, were unaffected and he used them to trip Megano and then began laughing uncontrollably. But she quickly bounced back up and flew into the air out of Dolf's reach. She began teasing him from this vantage until he began throwing dodgeballs at her. She dodged one, then another, and as she barrel-rolled out of the third ball's path, she caught the first one on its way back down.
"You're out!" she exclaimed as she began gliding to the ground. "I win!"
"Okay," replied Dolf. "You won fair and circle. Now it's Killer Kangaroo's turn."
"Go for it," said Killer Kangaroo.
So Dolf went for it, aiming a Falcon Kick at Killer Kangaroo's chest. But Killer Kangaroo jumped above the kick and maneuvered himself to land directly on Dolf's stomach. Dolf rolled away just in time and spun to trip Killer Kangaroo as he landed. Unfortunately, he lacked the foresight to realize that this trip would land Killer Kangaroo on top of him, which is exactly what happened. He squirmed and kicked and punched but had no effect. Any attempts to lift Killer Kangaroo were futile. He heard a referee count to three and then declare Killer Kangaroo the winner.
"I declare Killer Kangaroo the winner!"
"My turn," said RoboRabbit as Dolf arose from the ground. He then jumped over Dolf to land directly behind him. He pulled out his feather duster as Dolf turned about and he proceeded to feather dust Dolf's nose. When Dolf sneezed, RoboRabbit pulled his finger, causing him to pass gas as well. Then he slapped Dolf on the back, causing him to cough, and punching him in the stomach, causing him to belch. He then flipped over Dolf and covered his mouth and nose until he passed out.
"Simplemente," interjected RoboRabbit.
*This is pronounced like the first part of "dolphin," which is a little known fish.
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